I am skipping my second hour Geometry class to sit in a hard chair in the library and type to you today. Okay, so I’m not actually skipping. My new teacher (who is so nice) isn’t here today and because he gives us two days to work on review packets for our tests, I asked the sub if I could go to the library to use a computer because I had finished it yesterday. He said yes, but first he asked if I was planning on doing drugs in the library. “Not in the library, no,” I replied, smirking. He didn’t understand the irony (as he doesn’t know me, of course) and gave me a steel-lipped grimace. Oh well, he gave me a pass anyway.
I can’t really avoid the topic anymore, with quippy anecdotes about the irony of drugs and subs with perpetually problematic nose hair. (How good this feels, boy oh.) I haven’t blogged in a while. A month, almost. Or maybe like two weeks, let me check. Almost a month, yeah. I just… arg. Okay. I have been trying to blog about this for almost two weeks, but I’ve never been able to get the words right. So, here goes. I’ve felt like lately, my blogs haven’t been so much me. It’s no one’s fault but my own, but I feel like I was blogging for others. Actually this time, unlike the times I have talked about it before. I want to talk about what I want to talk about, without the fear that if I go “too serious”, I won’t get comments or the comments will comment on the one humorous thing I say and I’ll start to feel even worse about something that is so important to me. I just need to get past that. People want to hear the funny, the random, the amazing little things that happen to me in my strange-ass life, and I just need to ignore that nagging feeling in my brain that nobody will like it. I slowly realized that over the last month and every time I thought of blogging, I felt so conflicted.
Maybe I’m the only one who sees this, but when I read back past entries, it just doesn’t sound like me. Or, it does, I guess, but a more polished version of me. I’m not perfect, far from it, and I don’t want to come across as such. “I have really bad breath in the morning?” LOL, sorry. Okay, focus. That’s always been a problem, hasn’t it? But really, I’m not perfect. I cut myself (accidentally!) weekly in the shower. I get jealous and annoyed and I want to kick people. I’m not always happy, and I’m not always thinking crazy thoughts. People hurt my feelings and when I try to stand up for myself, I come across as a rude bitch. I ramble and talk so much when I’m with friends or on here because I don’t get paid attention to at home so much. I have a sorry body image. I regret so much from middle school. I’m awkward and I don’t know how to stop it. Boys enchant me and scare me at the same time. I fall in love too easily. I panic. I’m sad a lot of times, for no reason at all, and it’s scary. I don’t want to pretend anymore; I want to show the people who read this and care that I am more than the quirky, always-grinning M that I make myself out to be. I am that person, but I’m more. I’m not perfect.
I’m telling you all this because I just want to be honest. And today? It’s my one year anniversary of my blog. One year ago, today, I was suffering from a bout of insomnia and decided to create a blog that I knew (or thought, as it turned out) I would never keep. But, I did. I’ve never stuck with something this huge before. Just, wow. A year.
I’m going to blog again. Regularly, most likely. But I think it will be different. More honest, with more serious entries sprinkled in. I hope you guys still like me after this. Really, I do. Because I like yooooou. (Corn over porn! That was stupid.)
PS. Sorry this was so long.
PPS. I love you guys, really, all of you. Just for reading this. Thank you.
