melancholy missing.

I just had one of those “holy crap, I have to blog” moments because I actually almost forgot to blog. And now I only have twenty minutes to crank this out, which I think I have done before, but it’s kind of nerve-wracking and I’m pretty tired and a little bit melancholy, so it’s not going to be the easiest thing in the world. But I think I shall power through, because it is necessary. Well, obviously.

I have to say that missing someone is one of the worst feelings in the world. I kind of don’t exactly understand why, but when you miss someone so much that it literally kind of squeezes this part of your chest… it’s awful. I mean, sometimes there is the good missing, where you know you’re going to see or talk to the person soon, the whole “absence makes the heart grow fonder” thing and you can sort of enjoy the missing, just because you know it’s going to make things better later or because it’s just nice to think of them in a wishing sort of way. But when you’re missing someone that you don’t talk to as regularly for whatever reason, or someone you don’t know when you’re going to see next… it’s awful. It hurts. Sometimes a dull ache, sometimes a very, very sharp pain.

And it’s being reminded of the person that is the worst. Little things that remind you of a time you had, a joke you shared, or just something about their personality. This is really applicable to… you know, people you like or love, as well as friends. It just works for both. So, I guess that’s why I like watching Jon & Kate so much, nothing in it reminds me of anyone that I’m missing. It makes me think about the future and sometimes not really think all that much at all, just sort of bask in the cute and the love and smile. I feel like a lot of my days lately are distracting me from missing people. Playing bananagrams for hours, it occupies my brain and it lets me share conversation with others, kind of meaningless conversation. Hanging out with other friends, you are sort of just into that for most of the time, and it mostly keeps your mind from drifting. I don’t condone the “try and forget about it” attitude because no, it doesn’t work for most things, but for that empty, achy feeling in your gut? It helps. It helps me. It helps me forget for half a second. It helps me realize that I can be me, I can do other things, I have a life and a personality outside of these people. Because I do. And I know it, logically, but sometimes I just need a little reassurance.

I feel a lot less melancholy right now, and I hope anyone reading this doesn’t mind those melancholy paragraphs. I certainly don’t regret them, because I feel lighter and more smiley now, and I reread them and I don’t think they have the potential to offend anyone. Because sometimes when I rush and rush and rant and express my opinions, I read it later and think, “I worded this wrong. This is rude. I hate this.” But I think it’s all good. The song of the day today is Let Myself Fall by Rosie Thomas because it’s sort of peaceful and pretty and at the same time sad, but in a kind of hopeful way. I really like it.