I love.

I love how I feel super dorky in these flowered capri pajama pants. I love how cold and sweet this orange peach mango juice is, and how cute it is in the little clear plastic cup I have on my desk. I love Bananagrams and how when I close my eyes, I see tiles and they just start making words on their own, and words appear in my mind and start rearranging into other words, and it makes me feel like I have this mega vocab brain. I don’t love a lot of things tonight, I’m feeling a little melancholy again, but I’ve decided that I want to immerse myself in lovely thoughts, so I’m going to use my blog time to do that. And I hope you’ll share some of the things you love lately? Even the silly things?

I love my in-window air conditioner and my new socks that are so many colors, vibrant and earthy. I love my newfound style and how comfortable I often am. I love the nights where shuffle seems to do everything it’s supposed to and all of the songs sound kind of sweet and possessing pretty melodies. I love how tumblr can be mundanemundanemundane and then suddenly you find a gem and it makes your night. I love how I can make myself laugh with the stupidest shit like saying, “I don’t have any arms” because I’m too lazy to type out, “I don’t have any pictures with my arms in them.” I love how loud that darn sunchips bag at my mom’s house is and how sneaky I have to be when getting out the Triscuits past bedtime. I love Jon & Kate Plus 8, even when it’s sad and they’re fighting. I love pizza from our favorite restaurant, hot and greasy, needing so many paper towels. I also love it for breakfast.

I love cheese and sparkly beverages and sandwiches. I love hair mousse and dress shirts and scrunchy sweatshirts and new belts and sexy underwear and hair clips. I love red headphones and loud music and dog walks and perhaps even school sometimes. I love cherry chopstick (except not when kissing a girl) and blue sharpies. I love this blog and the people who take the time to comment and the way I feel when I’m done writing it, like I’m helping sort myself out in this crazy world full of crazy people and their crazy happenings. I love pulling pranks on people. I love my friends and my family and I really love my dogs. I love all animals. I love owls and drawing and reading.

I love Owl City, just like I did last summer. I love how inspirational and optimistic every single one of his songs are. I love how each of Adam’s songs can remind me of some specific memory from last summer, random ones and silly ones and sad ones and every one in between. I love how he probably still is my favorite musical artist because we’ve been through more than The Shins and I have. I love how Vanilla Twilight literally causes me to scream the lyrics out loud and The Saltwater Room still sparks much discussion of which version is better. I love that I will always think the Ocean Eyes version is better because of that one second where he basically cooes, “ohallthetime.” I love that that is so obviously the song of the day.

I love this post, although it was actually quite hard to write. I love that I don’t care that it was almost a full hour of pure blog concentration. I just love it.

buttcrack cake.

How gross would buttcrack cake be? I’m not really sure what I’m talking about right now, because I’m finding it really hard to focus. Which isn’t unusual, I’m usually doing a million other things while blogging, but tonight my attention just keeps straying from what I’m supposed to be talking about, and even as I write this, I’m not sure what I’m saying or why I’m saying it, it keeps pouring out of my fingers like some weird kind of weirdness and I’m really confused as to what’s currently happening. That was one hell of a run-on sentence. I put on my hat and turned out the lights in some hope that that would make me focus a little bit better. So far it’s not really working. Oh god, this isn’t even writer’s block, it’s like brain block. I hate this. Run away, brain demons a foot! “Lolololol.” Oh my god, I need to flee. But I can’t flee from a blog where I’ve only written 164 words! That’s illegal, so very illegal.

I’m starting to realize that my sleep patterns are even more messed up than I had originally thought. I slept until 2pm today. I made the mistake of not setting a cautionary 11am alarm, and I woke up and it was 1:56pm. I was just so disgusted with my self. Half of the day is gone. I sort of just felt guilty. For the day that I had missed. Which I suppose it kind of weird, but I don’t really care. I felt guilty for it. But it actually turned out okay because I had an actual productive day. I sorted out most of my clothes, folding and organizing wise, and then I spent like four hours at my neighbor’s house, which is something I haven’t done in a long time because I just kind of grew up and grew away from them. It was awkward at first and I kept wanting to flee, but I didn’t. We ate pizza and talked and it was actually really nice. And it felt good to be around people besides my parents. All of my friends have been busy lately, at festivals or at jobs, and although next week I’ll go back to having people to hang out with and things to do, I had sort of a lame and boring week. I mean, the first day or two alone were good, but after a while… being cooped up in a house by yourself with nothing but Bananagrams and Jon & Kate Plus 8 can begin to drive you mad. So I’m feeling a lot more sane and tuned into the social world again. Which is very refreshing.

I’m not really sure what’s wrong with me, but I am sort of getting that itch for fall. And for school to start. And I keep internally kicking myself because I hate homework and having to sit in class for hours on end, bored out of my mind, but I miss certain things like jeans and sweaters and opening my locker and seeing people I’m not close enough to to see in the summer. I miss the people I ate lunch with and the feeling of a weekend you truly earned by kicking your own ass all week and… I don’t know. It’s weird and I know I should be enjoying my summer, but I just get these pangs for school sometimes. Plus, I wanna show off my new style. 😉 Anyway, the song of the day is Love and Affection by Neon Trees and if I song could be delicious, this would be it.

melancholy missing.

I just had one of those “holy crap, I have to blog” moments because I actually almost forgot to blog. And now I only have twenty minutes to crank this out, which I think I have done before, but it’s kind of nerve-wracking and I’m pretty tired and a little bit melancholy, so it’s not going to be the easiest thing in the world. But I think I shall power through, because it is necessary. Well, obviously.

I have to say that missing someone is one of the worst feelings in the world. I kind of don’t exactly understand why, but when you miss someone so much that it literally kind of squeezes this part of your chest… it’s awful. I mean, sometimes there is the good missing, where you know you’re going to see or talk to the person soon, the whole “absence makes the heart grow fonder” thing and you can sort of enjoy the missing, just because you know it’s going to make things better later or because it’s just nice to think of them in a wishing sort of way. But when you’re missing someone that you don’t talk to as regularly for whatever reason, or someone you don’t know when you’re going to see next… it’s awful. It hurts. Sometimes a dull ache, sometimes a very, very sharp pain.

And it’s being reminded of the person that is the worst. Little things that remind you of a time you had, a joke you shared, or just something about their personality. This is really applicable to… you know, people you like or love, as well as friends. It just works for both. So, I guess that’s why I like watching Jon & Kate so much, nothing in it reminds me of anyone that I’m missing. It makes me think about the future and sometimes not really think all that much at all, just sort of bask in the cute and the love and smile. I feel like a lot of my days lately are distracting me from missing people. Playing bananagrams for hours, it occupies my brain and it lets me share conversation with others, kind of meaningless conversation. Hanging out with other friends, you are sort of just into that for most of the time, and it mostly keeps your mind from drifting. I don’t condone the “try and forget about it” attitude because no, it doesn’t work for most things, but for that empty, achy feeling in your gut? It helps. It helps me. It helps me forget for half a second. It helps me realize that I can be me, I can do other things, I have a life and a personality outside of these people. Because I do. And I know it, logically, but sometimes I just need a little reassurance.

I feel a lot less melancholy right now, and I hope anyone reading this doesn’t mind those melancholy paragraphs. I certainly don’t regret them, because I feel lighter and more smiley now, and I reread them and I don’t think they have the potential to offend anyone. Because sometimes when I rush and rush and rant and express my opinions, I read it later and think, “I worded this wrong. This is rude. I hate this.” But I think it’s all good. The song of the day today is Let Myself Fall by Rosie Thomas because it’s sort of peaceful and pretty and at the same time sad, but in a kind of hopeful way. I really like it.

dog fly.

Do you ever worry about if something happened to an online friend of yours? Like they got hurt or *gulp*, killed (heaven forbid, knock on wood) or something, and all of a sudden, they stopped signing onto Skype? Or stopped blogging? Or videos stopped appearing in your subscription box? I mean… how would you know? There are some people who kind of come in pairs, who the other person would definitely inform online friends of whatever happened. Like, I’m sure if I died or something (again, heaven forbid) N-Dawg would tell my online friends. At least, I hope she would. But what about people like Zach? Who would tell me if Zach got into some kind of terrible accident? Or Ashley? Or Marina? This just kind of worries me sometimes. I feel so close to these people, but our communication replies solely of them signing into things. I mean, I guess, if I texted them or something? Would someone reply? I don’t know. It’s weird to think about. *one last giant knock on wood for safe measure*

Let’s see. What is going on in my life? Well. I’m still obsessed with Bananagrams. I still watch a lot of Jon & Kate Plus 8 during the day, and at night, even though I do more talking/game playing/movie watching at night. This is not an interesting paragraph. No one cares about this paragraph. Even I do not care about this paragraph. *sigh* I keep watching all of these old sexymac videos, and they are making me laugh. I don’t know why I sighed before saying that, that didn’t really make sense. But anyways, I love all of these old videos. Everyone’s. Even mine. There are some videos I have made that are actually kind of hilarious. Or maybe I just find it really hilarious when I get super excited/frustrated and start shrieking at the camera. I really wanna make a video. Maybe I’ll do that after I post this!

The song if the day is Weight of the World by Chantal Kreviazuk. Let me tell you why I love this song so much. First of all, Chantal’s voice is so very sweet and angelic and when it floats into my ears, it just makes me happy. But the real reason is that even though I’m just listening to it now, it kind of illustrates the way I was feeling earlier, after I took my sunset dog walk. I was feeling humdrum about some things, and I felt a little suffocated in my room, so even thought the sun was setting, I put my dog on my new (personal, all for myself, keep in my room!) leash and just fled. I don’t really know what it is, but there is just something to empowering about collecting an iPod and a bag and a woofie and just leaving. Barely saying goodbye before plugging in and just jetting off. It makes me feel in control when everything else seems so out of control. And back to the song, while I guess I didn’t feel the weight of the world on my shoulders, I was feeling, well, kind of flattened and constricted and sure enough, once I started to walk, I sort of felt it all slip away. And then the lyric, “I used to carry the weight of the world/and now all I wanna do is spread my wings and fly” just sort of applied. I felt like flying. I really don’t know what it is, but I suddenly felt so giggly and free and like I wanted to… fly. As corny as that sounds.

so I blogged about Jon & Kate.

I watched the infamous episode of Jon & Kate Plus 8 today. I don’t know why exactly, I never watched the show when it was live, and didn’t care all that much. I dunno, there was just a lot of hype about it, and I’ve always enjoyed the show. It’s pretty heartbreaking, that they are separated, but it’s still their life.
I’ve never been too big a fan of reality TV. It always seemed a little bit cold, to be filming someone’s lives, invading their privacy, and have the media constantly talking about you.
It’s never how I would like to live.
But being kid crazy, I came across it. I saw the show on TLC one Saturday afternoon. It was after “What Not To Wear”, which is sort of a half reality show in my mind. It doesn’t follow anyone’s lives after the initial makeover, and I like the haircuts bit. But I’m talking about J&K+8. Multiples have always fascinated me, and the kids were so darned cute, so I watched.
In a blog like this, I’m sure it’s expected that I say something like, “and after that, I was hooked.” Sorry to disappoint, but that really wasn’t the case. I watched an episode, and I’m pretty sure when it was over I went on the internet. I watched more episodes over the years, catching marathons on Saturdays or a two-episode block after school. I asked for Season 1 on DVD this past Christmas because I’m a TV on DVD whore and thought it might be fun. I watched it a couple months after Christmas and thought the same thing I always thought when I saw the show-this is so freakin’ cute. But honestly? I think that of a lot of things. My friends can attest to me squealing in grocery stores about how cute dinosaurs are, and my dad can tell you the tale of when I deemed the moon adorable. But like most cute things in my life, there is another cute thing coming right around the corner. Like buses, in a way. I never gave much attention to the show, never reading articles or taking “Which Gosselin child are you?” quizzes on Facebook or obsessing about which kid was my favorite. (Although Leah is pretty adorable.) I wasn’t addicted, I just thought it was a nice family show.

But a few weeks ago, I was in the grocery store with my mom, and I saw a People magazine with Kate Gosselin’s face on it. I’m not really a magazine reader either, but I was intrigued. Why was this mom of eight on a tabloid? I don’t understand. To be honest, I am obviously some sort of hermit, for I didn’t realize that the media surrounding the show had been bad for a while. But anyhoo, I flipped through the article, skimming the pages, looking for something to quench my confusion. I didn’t get a chance to read all that much as my mom was impatient to leave. Later that week, the family popped back in my head, and like any nerd would, I googled them.
Google news is a harsh place.
There were so many articles. Jon was having an affair with a teacher. Kate was having an affair with her body guard. Kate had a body guard. Jon was looking for apartments. Kate was hitting her children. All of this crazy stuff was going on. I read a little bit of it, but frankly, it made me sick. I had to stop.
But I heard about the “big announcement” that was going to air tonight. I was curious as to what the big announcement was, although I kind of knew what it was all along. I was just going to read some blogs about it later, I had other things to do. But as the clock on the top of my computer crept closer to 8 o’clock, I decided to watch. I mean, why not? The things could wait.
And I watched it.

So now you’re probably asking my opinion, huh? Should they separate? Is it meant to be? Was there hope?
My answer is this. Who knows? Certainly not us.
I kind of think we should all stop talking about it.
My parents are divorced. It’s a hard, tragic thing. These people have hearts and souls and feelings.
I don’t want to debate about them as I would Jim and Pam.
It just seems wrong.